"Smart" Mattresses Are a Thing Now.

This work “mattress apocalypse” is a derivative of “Mattress in the outskirts of Nîmes” by nahemoth, used under CC BY. “mattress apocalypse” is licensed under CC BY 

 Billions of hours of productivity will end on November, 2015. The survivors of this sloth storm called this day “Slumbergeddon”. They lived only to face the same nightmare: smart mattresses.

How would you like your mattress to lock your door for you? No? What’s that you say? Why would you want something like that? Well, because you don’t have a choice. There’s a smart mattress trying to get into your house right now – hide the children!

The Luna mattress cover is silicon valley’s latest attempt to integrate technology into our everyday lives. It does everything from heating up your bed via smart phone, to brewing coffee for you in the morning. 

Luna communicates with all of your smart home devices to help you sleep better. For example, if you’re sweating while in bed Luna can adjust your home thermostat via Google’s Nest application. It can monitor your sleep patterns, then wake you up in the morning with it’s built-in alarm and email you a sleep report.  How’s that for convenience? No? Still no?

 Maybe this will change your mind:

 “They set the temperatures in their house, they turn off their lights, and they lock their door. In the future all of these will be automatized.”

Future people are super lazy. 

I don’t know if this is so much convenient as it is annoying. I’m fine with a smart phone waking me up in the morning, thank you very much. I don’t need a “smart” mattress telling me how to sleep, when to wake up, open or close my door, warm my bed, or recite all of weird things I say in my sleep. I need a mattress, not a therapist or a life coach.  With that being said, I’m not completely blind to all of the benefits a product like this offers to people who suffer from sleep insomnia and a number of sleep disorders.

I just don’t like the idea of an interconnected life. Where everything you do is monitored, tracked, and broken down into flow charts. It almost sounds like your life is under constant review by a fortune 500 executive board room.

But change is inevitable. Everyone will get used to the idea of “bettering” themselves through technology, and one day we will be going over every little biological change in our bodies over brunch like old folks at a nursing home common area.

Sounds like a hypochondriacs dream come true.

For now I’ll stick with my “dumb” regular mattress.  At least it won’t kill me in my sleep when the robot uprising happens.